Abandon Hope
Abandon hope she said. Did I read that correctly? Is a monk “telling” me to abandon hope? Yes. Yes she was. And at that moment, when it all sank deep beneath my skin, I realized that my reality had fractured. Not a shift. A complete and total fragmentation. ” In an nontheistic state of mind, abandoning hope is an affirmation, the beginning of the beginning” Pema Chodron writes so succinctly. “You could even put “abandon hope” on your refrigerator door, instead of more conventional aspirations.” Yeesh! It was tough to absorb. However, she is right.
I have had this blog space for over a year. I have paid for it and I have written nothing. I write a lot in the notes section of my phone. It wasn’t that I had nothing to say. I am going through so much and writing really helps me to process. I also don’t like the idea of putting all my stuff out on social media. I wanted a place I could be creative and write exactly what I wanted. I thought I was afraid maybe and that fear was stopping me. As I let that passage ‘Abandon hope’ sink into and permeate my life, I realized it was hope that was stopping me. Pema explains that hope and fear are the flip side to each other; if you are clinging to hope you are being driven by fear. You are telling yourself that the current moment isn’t good enough. I was hoping that this blog would be something amazing! I was also afraid that people would judge me harshly if I just started saying exactly how I feel. That’s what was holding me back. The hope and the fear. So, I’m choosing to listen to the wise monk. I am abandoning hope. Not only on this page, but in my life in general.
I realize Pema isn’t the first person to write about this, although her words were the first to have this massive impact on me. Today is the first day of the energetic New Year. We had the last New Moon of the last season yesterday, so today marks the start of a expansion cycle. It’s the perfect time to really examine this idea of hopelessness being a beginning. In the poem the Divine Comedy, we see Dante the hero, start his journey being lost in a dark wood, totally hopeless. His journey begins right before Good Friday. The timing is quite perfect. Hopeless and lost, Dante is sent a great friend to help him find his way free. The great poet Virgil, who was said to be the great poet of the time and whose poetry was used as a tool of divination, was sent by Beatrice to aid our hero through the darkness. She was convinced by the Virgin Mary and St. Lucia to send help to Dante. The three women representing Love, Compassion and Illuminating Grace. In order to get free from the dark woods, the pair must travel through the depths of hell and get past the Devil. Talk about a journey.
I can completely relate to this story, even through it is filled with many religious references I don’t necessarily subscribe to. We are all in the dark woods from time to time. It has taken me 5 years to travel through my own hell, with the help of the same guides: divination, love, compassion and illuminating grace. The truth is, none of us get out of the dark woods without going through hell. There is no around. I just figured that out. There’s no hope. There is only the truth of the groundlessness of life. As Pema says, we must ‘begin the journey without hope of getting ground under your feet. Begin with hopelessness.’
The flipside of hopelessness is bravery, courage and/or confidence. If you start the journey accepting the challenges around for what they are, and letting go of the hope that things will be different or change, you can travel through hell knowing that bravery and confidence will also be there with you. I had been clinging to hope in SO many areas of my life. Hoping that my situation would change. Hope, and getting let down over and over again. When I finally got so tired that I laid down to die on the proverbial hill, like Frodo Baggins on Mount Doom, Pema’s words empowered me to accept the situation just as it was; complete and utter shit.
So here I am writing with the bravery I found when I finally gave up. I’m here to talk openly about my own journey. The good, the bad and the ugly. With truth, my pen and anyone reading this as my companions.
As Dante and Virgil enter the gateway to hell, there is an inscription written in the stone above them: ‘Lascaite Ogne Speranza Voi Ch’intrate’ or Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. For that’s how we find the bravery to face hell. Abandon hope.
Walk gently,
M.